Roy decides to get a substitute weapon, but instead gets an empty shop and a wiseass owner.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1, Page 1

Roy: Good morning!
Jiminy: Good morning, sir! Welcome to the Polearm Emporium!
Roy: Thank you, my good man.
Jiminy: What can I do for you, sir?

Panel 2, Page 1

Roy: My greatsword seems to have been rent in twain, and being as my venture to reconstruct it has been temporarily quelled, I require a suitable proxy for my broken behest.

Panel 3, Page 1

Jiminy: Eh?
Roy: I need a new weapon.
Jiminy: Certainly, sir! What can I get for you?

Panel 4, Page 1

Roy: Well, I've always wanted to try a ranseur.
Jiminy: I'm afraid we're fresh out of ranseurs, sir.

Panel 5, Page 1

Roy: Never mind, how about a good halberd then?
Jiminy: I'm afraid we never have them this time of year. We get newly forged ones in the spring.

Panel 6, Page 1

Roy: Hmmm. Well, stout yeoman, a sturdy trident, if you please.
Jiminy: Ah! They've been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting them this morning.

Panel 7, Page 1

Roy: It's not my lucky day, is it? A partisan, then.
Jiminy: Sorry, sir.
Roy: Awl pike?
Jiminy: Sorry.
Roy: Bill hook?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Any corseques, perchance, bat-wing or otherwise?
Jiminy: Ummm... No.

Panel 8, Page 1

Roy: Fauchard?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Military fork?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Fauchard-forks?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Naginata? Nagamaki? Fukoro yari?
Jiminy: No.

Panel 9, Page 1

Roy: Voulge, perhaps?
Jiminy: Ahh! We have voulges, yessir.
Roy: You do!?! Excellent! I'll have one of them.
Jiminy: Yes. It's... oh, it's a bit heavy.
Roy: Oh, I like heavy weapons.
Jiminy: Well... it's very heavy, actually.
Roy: No matter! Fetch hither the voulge.
Jiminy: I think it's a bit heavier then you like it, sir.
Roy: I don't care how frelling heavy it is, hand it over.

Panel 10, Page 1

Jiminy: OK, here it is—
Jiminy: Ohhhh! Termites got it. Ate the handle straight through.
Roy: ...
Roy: Did they?
Jiminy: Yes. Quite the problem 'round here.
Roy: ...

Panel 1, Page 2

Roy: Scythe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Bardiche?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Poleaxe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Lochaber axe?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Bohemian earspoon?
Jiminy: Not today, sir, no.

Panel 2, Page 2

Roy: You do HAVE some polearms don't you?
Jiminy: Of course. It's a polearm shop. We have—
Roy: No, no! I'd like to guess.
Jiminy: Fair enough.
Roy: Bec de corbin?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Ox tongue?
Jiminy: Mmmm... No.

Panel 3, Page 2

Roy: Spetum?
Jiminy: Yes, definitely.
Roy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those, then.
Jiminy: Oh! I thought you were asking if I'd spayed the cat.
Roy: ...
Jiminy: Just good sense, y'know.
Roy: ...
Cat: Meow?

Panel 4, Page 2

Roy: Glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Guisarme?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-guisarme?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: No.
Roy: Glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive?
Jiminy: I think you're drifting into another sketch, sir.

Panel 5, Page 2

Roy: Ah, how about the longspear?
Jiminy: Don't have much call for longspears.
Roy: Don't have much—It's the single most popular polearm in the world!

Panel 6, Page 2

Jiminy: Not around here, sir.
Roy: Oh? And what's the most popular polearm around here?
Jiminy: Lucern hammers, sir.

Panel 7, Page 2

Roy: Sigh. Do you have an lucern hammers?
Jiminy: Nnnnnnnnnno. Fresh out.
Roy: That one was my fault, really. I should have known better by now.

Panel 8, Page 2

Roy: Have you, in fact, got any polearms here at all?
Jiminy: Yes, sir.
Roy: Really?
Jiminy: No. Not really, sir.
Roy: You haven't
Jiminy: No sir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Panel 9, Page 2

Roy glares at the owner.

Panel 10, Page 2

Roy: You realize that if I could actually purchase a weapon, I would stab you with it now?
Jiminy: The irony is staggering, sir, yes.

D&D Context Edit

  • The Nomenclature of Pole Arms was an article by D&D creator Gary Gygax which first appeared in Dragon magazine #22. It was subsequently included as an appendix to Gygax's final contribution to D&D before being forced out of TSR, the 1985 AD&D (1st edition) rules supplement, Unearthed Arcana. For many players this was their first introduction into the varied world of medieval pole arms. Most of the non-silly types of pole arms mentioned in this strip are categorized in this article.

Trivia Edit

  • As referenced in the title, the entire comic is a recreation of Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch, in which a man attempts to buy some cheese at a cheese shop.
  • The animals that appear in the foreground each have their own meaning:
    • The (dead) parrot is a reference to the Dead Parrot Sketch.
    • A cat was mentioned in the original sketch for having eaten one of the cheeses.
    • The snake is a reference to the group's name, "Monty Python".
  • Roy's increasingly complex "glaive-guisarme" requests are a reference to another Monty Python sketch, Spam (which is why the shop owner tells him they're drifting into another sketch). The glaive-guisarme is a real type of pole arm, one which "to the heavier and longer glaive head was added a guisarme hook to enable the wielder to jerk horsemen from their seats."
  • In the original sketch, the customer actually pulls out a gun and kills the shop owner.
  • The "glaive glaive glaive guisarme glaive" originally appeared in a mock "Random Polearm Generation" table, published in The Space Gamer #74, May/June 1985, by Steve Jackson Games. The table was an entry by a reader named Jim Simons into a "Write a table for generating something useless" contest. The entries were also reprinted in the collection Murphy's Rules.
  • This is the first appearance of Jiminy, the proprietor of the Polearm Emporium, as well as his cat. Much later, in #942, it is revealed that the shopkeeper's name is Jiminy, and he is actually Haley's cousin, being the son of Geoff and Ivy, Ian Starshine's sister.

External Links Edit

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.