Teenage Wasteland
Order of the Stick comic
Comic no. 93
Date published 5 August 2004
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Haley shares a fundamental fact about teenagers with us.

Cast Edit

Transcript Edit

Panel 1

The Order are climbing down a ladder only to find some young goblins waiting for them.
Roy: Hey, so thanks for saving us from the—
Roy: goblins??
Durkon: Thor's beard! Yer goblins too! We been tricked!
Zit Boy: No, dude!
Goblin with Braces: Be cool, just chill.

Panel 2

Zit Boy: Those old guys are bogus.
Goblin with Braces: You know how goblins are "usually Neutral Evil"? We think that's so lame.

Panel 3

Roy: You're Good aligned goblins?
Zit Boy: Hell yeah!
Goblin with Braces: Completely.

Panel 4

Goblin Girl: Listen, we can zip you past those other guys. This is, like, a hella secret tunnel.
Goblin with Sneakers: Seriously.
Roy: Well, while I certainly appreciate the help, I can't risk further endangering children.
Haley: No, wait—don't you see it, Roy?

Panel 5

Haley: They are arbitrarily rejecting their traditional belief system and embracing everything their elders despise.

Panel 6

Haley: They're not children—They're TEENAGERS!
Goblin in Varsity Jacket: Sh'yeah.

Panel 7

Roy: Wait, you're saying that they are Good because—
Haley: —because it cheeses off their parents, who are Evil. You got it.
Zit Boy: Dude, you have no idea how hard it sucks.
Goblin with Acne: My dad is, like, the priest of this big demon prince guy. So bogus.

Panel 8

Cutaway to Goblin with Acne at home with his parents.
Ted: Listen to me, young man, you will drink the blood of the innocent and you will LIKE IT.
Goblin Mother: And would it kill you to dress all in black once in a while?
Zit Boy: You don't understand what I'm going through!

Panel 9

Haley (whispering): Roy, I think they'll go out of their way to help us. It's all a big cry for attention, but it can work in our favor.
Roy: Hmmm. OK, guys, lead on.

Panel 10

Elan: Wow, Haley, how come you understand the teenage mind so well?
Haley: Ummmm...

Panel 11

Flashback to a young goth Haley at home with her father, the panel is titled "Haley Starshine, Age 15 (a.k.a. Dark Mistress Shadowgale)".
Ian Starshine: No allowance until you clean up this room.
Dark Mistress Shadowgale: Life is pain.

Panel 12

Cut back to the present.
Haley: reason.

D&D Context Edit

  • In the Monster Manual goblins are "usually Neutral Evil," which means most goblins are Neutral Evil Alignment but not all.

Trivia Edit

  • "Teenage Wasteland" is a repeated line in The Who's song "Baba O'Riley."
  • This is the first appearance of Ian Starshine.
  • This is the first appearance of Haley as her teenage self, Dark Mistress Shadowgale.
  • This it the first appearance of the three Teenage Goblins: "Zit Boy", Teenage Goblin with Braces, and Teenage Goblin with Sneakers.

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